Thursday, June 18, 2015

Thoughts on having another baby

Newborn Callum.

I'm not even sure where to start with this post. I should probably begin with this: I am not pregnant.

Alright, now that we've got out of the way, let's continue.

Do we want to have more kids? Yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt. We can't wait to expand our family.

I think about having another baby and my heart just explodes. Not just with love and wanting, but also with fear and guilt. Can I handle two kids? Will Callum feel less loved when we add a new baby to the family? How can I love another human as wholly and completely as I love Callum?

To me, Callum is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Even when he's screaming and whining, I can't get enough of him. I have a feeling all parents feel this way about their kids. But, I can't help but wonder, will I feel this way about our next child? How can someone else be just as perfect as Callum? It just doesn't seem possible. There's no doubt in my mind that another child will be a totally different person than Callum. So, is it possible that they'll just be a different type of perfect?

I also think about how much I cherish my one-on-one time with Callum. I try to give him as much undivided attention as possible. When another baby comes along, the time I'll have to spend with Callum, and only Callum, will be much less than now. I feel ridiculously guilty about that.

Having another baby also means having a newborn. And that's some scary shit. Newborns are no joke. I need to prepare myself again for that overwhelming amount of exhaustion. I've managed that before, and, despite all of the craziness, I loved it. But, I've never managed that while also being a mom to another child. I'm worried being that tired, while trying to parent, will make me far less patient with Callum.

On the other hand, there's no doubt in my mind that Callum is meant to have siblings. Despite his moments of not wanting to share, he loves being around other kids. In fact, on some days, I'm pretty sure the word "Ollie" comes out of his mouth more than "Mama." Callum would make an amazing big brother.

Before Callum was born, I had no idea I could love something as much as I love my son. The magnitude of it is unreal. As much as I enjoy date nights or going out with the girls, I just feel incomplete without him in my arms.

And, just like I was without a clue about what being a mom actually felt like, I have a sneaking suspicion I'm just as clueless about becoming a mom again. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I doubt myself. I have a feeling that's only natural.

But, there's one thing I know for sure: There's more than enough space in my arms for another child and I can't wait to fill it. One day.

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